You Never Can Have Enough Pens

©1995 Andrew Calhoun, unrecorded

The only universal themes left that are original, are extremely trivial ones.
The last verse gets the biggest laugh. Except with UK audiences, who are mortified.

Chorus:
You never can have enough pens
You never can have enough pens
No matter which way in life your path wends
You never can have enough pens

My granddaddy used fountain pens
And my daddy, refillable ballpoint pens
And I'm telling you twice, if you want my advice
You never can have enough pens

There's things you'd hate to lose more than pens
Things you'd hate to lose more than pens
Your life, your family, a contact lens
But you never can have enough pens
And you might drive a Mercedes Benz
Have a view of the Boston Fens
Have a fabulous figure, like Sophia Loren's
But you never can have enough pens

Chorus

Now if you go into business sometimes
Maybe selling antiques of some kind
Choose a company logo, with a look from long ago
Imprinted right there on the spine
And I hope that your business does well
Go bankrupt, hey, what the hell
Sell off your equipment, but keep that last shipment
That humongous order of pens

Chorus

Now if you're wondering how to spell "pen"
If you're wondering how to spell "pen"
Well, it's like the word "penis", with no "is" on the end,
If you're wondering how to spell "pen".

And you never can have enough pens
You never can have enough pens
There's stipends and pig-pens, but whatever happens
You never can have enough pens